Every January, the same message seems to echo everywhere: Become better. Do more. Fix what’s wrong.
It’s often packaged as motivation, but for many people, it quietly reinforces a painful belief: I am not enough as I am.
As a psychologist, I see how deeply this belief affects mental health. Anxiety, depression, burnout, and low self-worth are often fuelled not by a lack of effort, but by relentless self-criticism. This year, instead of trying to “fix” yourself, I invite you to consider a different approach: Self-compassion.
The Weight of Internalised Self-Criticism
Many of us carry an inner voice that is harsh, demanding, and unforgiving. It might sound like:
- “I should be further along by now.”
- “Why can’t I get it together like everyone else?”
- “If I were stronger, I wouldn’t feel this way.”
This internalised self-criticism often develops early from family expectations, cultural messages, academic pressure, or past experiences of failure or rejection. Over time, it becomes automatic. We don’t question it; we assume it’s telling the truth.
But research and clinical experience consistently show that self-criticism does not create lasting change. Instead, it increases shame, avoidance, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion.
Why the Language of “Fixing Yourself” Can Be Harmful
When we frame growth as “fixing,” we imply that something is broken. While this mindset may feel motivating at first, it often backfires.
The language of fixing:
- Encourages perfectionism
- Reinforces shame and inadequacy
- Frames emotions as problems rather than signals
- Creates pressure instead of safety
Human beings are not machines that need repair. Struggles are not defects – they are part of the human condition, especially in a world that is demanding, uncertain, and often overwhelming.
What Self-Compassion Really Means (and What It Doesn’t)
Self-compassion is not self-pity, laziness, or “letting yourself off the hook.”
It is the practice of responding to yourself with the same care and understanding you would offer a close friend.
Psychological research on self-compassion highlights three key components:
- Kindness rather than harsh judgment
- Common humanity – recognising you are not alone in your struggles
- Mindful awareness of emotions without suppressing or exaggerating them
People who practice self-compassion tend to experience:
- Lower anxiety and depression
- Greater emotional resilience
- Increased motivation that is sustainable and not fear-based
- Healthier relationships with themselves and others
Practical Ways to Practice Self-Compassion
If self-compassion feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable, that’s okay. It’s a skill that can be learned and strengthened over time with practice.
Here are a few gentle ways to begin:
1. Notice Your Inner Language
When you catch yourself being self-critical, pause and ask:
Would I speak this way to someone I care about?
Try softening the language, even slightly.
2. Name the Struggle Without Judgment
Instead of “I’m failing,” try:
“This is hard right now.”
This creates space for understanding rather than blame.
3. Offer Yourself a Compassionate Response
You might say internally:
“Anyone in my position would feel this way.”
or
“I’m doing the best I can with what I have.”
4. Focus on Care, Not Correction
Ask yourself:
What do I need right now to feel supported?
Sometimes the answer is rest, connection, boundaries, or simply permission to slow down.
How Therapy Can Help Cultivate Self-Compassion
For many people, self-compassion doesn’t come naturally especially if self-criticism once served as a survival strategy. Therapy provides a safe space to explore where that inner critic came from and why it’s still so loud.
In therapy, you can:
- Understand the roots of self-judgment
- Learn to respond differently to difficult emotions
- Build a kinder internal relationship with yourself
- Practice compassion with support and guidance
- Move toward growth without shame or pressure
Change doesn’t have to come from tearing yourself down. It can come from understanding, patience, and care.
A Different Kind of New Year
Rather than asking what needs to be fixed, it may be more helpful to ask what needs to be understood. When we meet ourselves with curiosity instead of judgment, we create room for meaningful change to unfold naturally. Self-compassion allows growth to happen without fear or pressure. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, stuck, or worn down by self-criticism, therapy can help you explore a more compassionate way forward: one that honours where you are right now.
